Success is...

At age 4 success is . not peeing in your pants.
At age 12 success is . having friends.
At age 16 success is . . having a drivers license.
At age 35 success is . having money.
At age 50 success is . . . having money.
At age 70 success is . . . having a drivers license.
At age 75 success is . having friends.
At age 80 success is . not peeing in your pants.

under the bed

Twas Halloween night as I leaped from my bed,
With thoughts of amusement going through my head.
Turned off my computer and thought as I may
Of vampires of old and vampires of today.
Of spooky old movies and Halloween parties,
Of course trick or treating
(hope they don't hand out Smarties).

And witches and ghosts and gravediggers, I fear,
So that old haunted house, I will never go near.
When you see spooky places, just take my advice,
And don't go in rooms filled with ghosts, bats, and mice.

So don't risk your life going looking for spooks,
Just go to a party with some good friendly kooks.
Or gather your family, carve a pumpkin and think
What to have your kids do, and go pick up a drink.
Tell a joke to your friends, but be careful, you'll see
That a couple wrong moves might mean eternity.

Now put on that costume and dress yourself up.
You can be Ninja Nun or that RCA Pup.
But be very careful or else you might see
That ghosts and vampires aren't really PC.

So now you can think, as you turn out that light
That there's no such thing and that you are all right.
Look under your bed, though, and then you might see...

Nothing! We aren't afraid of ghosts now, are we?

drunk n doc

A drunk goes to the doctor complaining of tiredness and headaches. 'I feel tired all the time, my head hurts, and I'm not sleeping. What is it, Doc?'

The doctor examines him thoroughly and says, 'I can't find anything wrong. It must be the drinking.'

'Fair enough,' replied the lush. 'I'll come back when you sober up.'

Always Remember

Always remember to forget the troubles that pass your way; BUT NEVER forget the blessings that come each day.
Have a wonderful day with many *smiles*

cabbies

A mother, accompanied by her small daughter, was in New York City. The mother was trying to hail a cab, when her daughter noticed several wildly dressed women who were loitering on a nearby street corner. The mother finally hailed her cab and they both climbed in, at which point the daughter asks her mother, 'Mummy, what are all those ladies waiting for by that corner?', to which the mother replies, 'Those ladies are waiting for their husbands to come home from work.'

The cabbie, upon hearing this exchange, turns to the mother and says, 'Ahhhhhhh, C'mon lady!!!! Tell your daughter the truth!!!! For crying out loud. They're hookers!'

A brief period of silence follows, and the daughter then asks, 'Mummy, do the ladies have any children?'

The mother replies, 'Of course dear. Where do you think cabbies come from?'

A Cat New Year Resolution

My human will never let me eat their pet hamster, and I am at peace with that.

I will not slurp fish food from the surface of the aquarium

I will not eat large numbers of assorted bugs, then come home and
throw them up so the humans can see that I'm getting plenty of
roughage.

I will not lean way over to drink out of the tub, fall in, and then
pelt right for the box of clumping cat litter. (It took FOREVER to get
the stuff out of my fur.)

I will not use the bathtub to store live mice for late-night snacks.

We will not play "Herd of Thundering Wildebeests Stampeding Across the
Plains of the Serengeti" over any humans' bed while they're trying to
sleep.

I cannot leap through closed windows to catch birds outside. If I
forget this and bonk my head on the window and fall behind the couch
in my attempt, I will not get up and do the same thing again.

I will not assume the patio door is open when I race outside to chase leaves.

I will not stick my paw into any container to see if there is
something in it. If I do, I will not hiss and scratch when my human
has to shave me to get the rubber cement out of my fur.

If I bite the cactus, it will bite back.

When it rains, it will be raining on all sides of the house.
It is not necessary to check every door.

I will not play "dead cat on the stairs" while people are trying to
bring in groceries or laundry, or else one of these days, it will
really come true.

When the humans play darts, I will not leap into the air and attempt
to catch them.

I will not swat my human's head repeatedly when they are on the family
room floor trying to do sit ups.

When my human is typing at the computer, their forearms are
*not* a hammock.

Computer and TV screens do not exist to backlight my lovely tail.

I will not puff my entire body to twice its size for no reason after
my human has watched a horror movie.

I will not stand on the bathroom counter, stare down the hall, and
growl at NOTHING after my human has watched the X-Files.

I will not drag dirty socks onto the bed at night and then yell at the
top of my lungs so that my humans can admire my "kill."

I will not perch on my human's chest in the middle of the night and
stare until they wake up.

I will not walk on the key board when my human is writing important
adagfsg gdjag ;ln.

If I must claw my human I will l not do it in such a way that the
scars resemble a botched suicide attempt.

If I must give a present to my human guests, my toy mouse is much more
socially acceptable than a big live bug, even if it isn't as tasty.

Elephant Jokes

Statutory warning: I am not responsible for the damage done to your mental health, your social relationships, your image among peers or your job by reading this mail. Those with blood pressure, please avoid. But never mind read only once...

The effects are cumulative. :-) :-)

Q: How do you stop an elephant from charging?
A: Take away his credit card.

Q: Why is an elephant big, grey, and wrinkly?
A:Because, if it was small, white and smooth it would be an Aspirin.

Q: Why did the elephant fall out of the tree?
A: Because it fell asleep.

Q: Why did the second elephant fall out of the tree?
A: It was glued to the first one.

Q: Why did the third elephant fall out of the tree?
A: It was a copy cat.

Q: Why did the fourth elephant fall out of the tree?
A: It thought this was all a game.

Q: And why did the tree fall down?
A: It thought it was an elephant.

Q: What does an elephant and a blueberry have in common?
A: They're both blue, except for the elephant.

Q: What did Tarzan say when he saw 1,000 elephants coming over the hill?
A: Look, there's 1,000 elephants coming over the hill.

Q: How do you shoot a blue elephant?
A: With a blue elephant gun, of course.

Q: How do you shoot a red elephant?
A: No, not with a red elephant gun. You strangle him until he turns blue, then shoot him with a blue elephant gun.

Q: How do you shoot a green elephant?
A: Tell him a dirty joke so he turns red, strangle him until he turns blue, then shoot him with a blue elephant gun.

Q: How do you shoot a pink elephant?
! A: First you bake a cake, and put 3 raisins on top, then you take it out in the jungle where the pink elephant will find it, and you wait. Eventually the elephant comes along, finds the cake, eats the raisins and throws the cake away. Then you go home and bake another cake and put 2 raisins on top, take it out in the jungle where the elephant will find it. The elephant comes along, finds the cake, eats the 2 raisins and throws the cake away. You go home and bake another cake and put only one raisin on it. Then you trek back into the jungle and put the cake where the pink elephant will find it. The elephant comes along eats the raisin, and throws that cake away. Now you go home and bake another cake, but (here's the sneaky part) you don't put any raisins on it. You take it out into the jungle where the elephant will  find it and lie in wait. The pink elephant comes along and finds the cake, he gets SO mad that there aren't any raisins on it, he turns red, then you jump on him, strangle him until he turns blue......and you shoot him with a BLUE ELEPHANT GUN!!!

Q: How do you shoot a yellow elephant?
A: Aw, come on, have you ever seen a yellow elephant !?!

Q: Why do elephants have red eyes?
A: So they can hide themselves better in cherry trees.

Q: Ever seen an elephant in a cherry tree?
A: No? See how well the trick with the red eyes works?

Q: What time is it when an elephant sits on your fence?
A: Time to get a new fence.

Q: Where does an 8 ton elephant sit?
A: Any damn place where he pleases!

Q: Why is an elephant covered in wrinkles?
A: Ever try to iron one? 

Letters and Application

This is a collection of leave letters and applications written by people in various places of Pakistan.

1. A student's leave letter:
"As I am suffering from my uncle's marriage I cannot attend the class...."
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2. A candidate's application:
"This has reference to your advertisement calling for a 'typist And an accountant - Male or Female'... As I am both for the past Several years and I can handle both; I am applying for the post."
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3. I.T.I., Lahore: An employee applied for leave as follows:
Since I have to go to my village to sell my land along with my wife. Please sanction me one-week leave.
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4. Another employee applied for half day leave as follows:
"Since I've to go to the cremation ground at 10 o-clocks and I may not return, please grant me half day casual leave"
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5. A leave letter to the headmaster:
"As I am studying in this school I am suffering from headache. I request you to leave me today"
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6. An incident of a leave letter:
"I am suffering from fever, please declare one day holiday."
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7. Another leave letter written to the headmaster:
As my headache is paining, please grant me leave for the day.
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8. A covering note:
"I am enclosed herewith..."
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9. From H.A.L. Administration dept:
As my mother-in-law has expired and I am responsible for it, Please grant me 10 days leave.
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10. Actual letter written for application of leave:
"My wife is suffering from sickness and as I am her only husband At home I may be granted leave".
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11. Letter writing:
"I am in well here and hope you are also in the same well."
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12. Another gem from I.T.I. Leave-letter from an employee who was

Performing his daughter's wedding:
"As I am marrying my daughter, please grant a week's leave..."
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pet names

Bernie was invited to his friend's home for dinner. Morris, the host, preceded every request to his wife by endearing terms, calling her Honey, My Love, Darling, Sweetheart, Pumpkin, etc.

Bernie looked at Morris and remarked, 'That is really nice, that after all these years that you have been married, you keep calling your wife those pet names.'

Morris hung his head and whispered,' To tell the truth, I forgot her name three years ago.'

Delivery

A fellow walked into a doctor's office and the receptionist asked him what he had.
He said, 'Shingles.'
So she took down his name, address, medical insurance number and told him to have a seat.

A few minutes later a nurse's aid came out and asked him what he had.
He said, 'Shingles.'
So she took down his height, weight, a complete medical history and told him to wait in the examining room.

Ten minutes later a nurse came in and asked him what he had.
He said, 'Shingles.'
So she gave him a blood test, a blood pressure test, an electrocardiogram, told him to take off all his clothes and wait for the doctor.

Fifteen minutes later the doctor came in and asked him what he had.
He said, 'Shingles.'
The doctor said, 'Where?'
He said, 'Outside in the truck. Where do you want them?'

naval student

A young naval student was being put through the paces by an old sea-captain.

'What would you do if a sudden storm sprang up on the starboard?'

'Throw out an anchor, sir.'

'What would you do if another storm sprang up aft?'

'Throw out another anchor, sir.'

'And if another terrific storm sprang up forward, what would you do?'

'Throw out another anchor.'

'Hold on,' said the Captain, 'where are you getting all your anchors from?'

'From the same place you're getting your storms, sir.'

Statue

Museum administrator: That's a 500 year old statue you've broken. Banta Singh: Thank God! I thought it was a new one!

heart

2day, 2morrow & 4ever, there will be 1 heart that would always beat 4 u. U know whose?? YOUR OWN

smile !

hey listen she asked me u r details...so i gave her u r cell number. so she will meet u soon.... her name is smile.... i think she came.

Horse food

Q: What kind of food does a race horse eat? A: Fast food

History

History Teacher : From where to where did the mughals rule ? Student: Sir, I am not sure but I think from page 15 to 26.

Driving

There is always a "DRIVE SLOW" board near boy's schools, but n ot near girl's college.. Why? COZ vehicles automatically go slow....

Dating

Dating process: 6 weeks : I love U, I love U, I love U. 6 months : Of course I love U. 6 years : GOD, if I didn't love U, then why the hell did I propose?

Sharing

I want to share Everything with you. Your JOYS, Your SADNESS, Your HAPPY MOMENTS Every single second of day Let us START with your ATM Password first.

-Old Age-

An older couple was lying in bed one night. The husband was falling a sleep, but the wife felt romantic and wanted to talk.

She said, "You use to hold my hand when we were courting."

Wearily he reached across, held her hand for a second, and tried to get back to sleep. A few moments later she said, "Then you used to kiss me." Mildly irritated, he reached across, gave her a peck on the cheek and settled down to sleep.

Thirty seconds later she said. "Then you use to bite my neck. "Angrily, he threw back the bed clothes and got out of bed.

"Where are you going ?" she asked.

"To get my teeth!"

Poor and rich

GIRL : I think the poorest people are the happiest. BOY : Then marry me and we'll be the happiest couple

-Elderly Woed- ;)

SENIORS GIVING BIRTH

With all the new technology regarding
fertility recently, a 65-year-old woman was
able to give birth to a baby.

When she was discharged from the hospital and went home, her relatives came to visit.

'May we see the new baby?" one asked.

"Not yet," said the mother. "I'll make coffee
and we can visit for awhile first."
Thirty minutes had passed, and another
relative asked, "May we see the new baby now?"

"No, not yet," said the mother.
After another few minutes had elapsed, they
asked again, "May we see the baby now?"

"No, not yet," replied the mother.

Growing very impatient, they asked, "Well,
when can we see the baby?"

"WHEN HE CRIES!" she told them.

"WHEN HE CRIES?" they demanded. "Why do we have to wait until he cries?"

"BECAUSE I FORGOT WHERE I PUT HIM. O.K.?????"

For guys only

This one for the guys.

A guy's life can be described as a train on a railway
track.

When they are 20,
Every station they want to stop.

When they are 30,
They can only stop at one station.

When they are 40,
They want to stop but they are not allowed to stop.

When they are 50,
They want to stop but they cannot stop.

When they are 60,
They can't even start. How to stop?

Men and Women

Woman & Men

Between the ages of 15 - 20 a woman is like Africa.
She is half discovered, half wild.

Between the ages of 20 - 30 a woman is like America.
Fully discovered and scientifically perfect.

Between the ages of 30 - 35, she is like India &
Japan.
Very hot, wise and beautiful

Between the ages of 35 - 40 a woman is like France.
She is half destroyed after the war but still
desirable.

Between the ages of 40 - 50 she is like Germany.
She lost the war but not the hope.

Between the ages of 50 - 60 she is like Russia.
Very wide, very quiet but nobody goes there.

Between the ages of 60 - 70 a woman is like England.
With a glorious past but no future.

The last one was left out. After 70, they become
Siberia.
"Everyone knows where is it, but no one wants to go
there."

Chemistry Jokes

1. What did one atom tell another?
- I think I lost an electron
- Are you sure?
- Yes, I'm positive.


2. A small piece of sodium which lived in a testube fell in love with a bunsen burner. "Bunsen! my flame! I melt whenever I see you" said the sodium.The bunsen burner replied :"It's just a phase you're going through".


3. Heisenberg is out for a drive when he's stopped by a traffic cop. The cop says: "Do you know how fast you were going?" Heisenberg replies: "No,but I know where I am".

4. A neutron walks into a bar; he asks the bartender: " How much for a beer?" The bartender looks at him and says: "For you, it's no charge".

5. Why did the white bear dissolve in water?
- Because it was polar.

6. What do you call a tooth in a glass of water?
- A one molar solution.

7. Why does hamburger have lower energy than steak?
- Because it's in the ground state.

8. What do you do with a dead chemist?
- Barium

9. Why do chemists like nitrates so much?
- They're cheaper than day rates.

10. What happens when electrons lose their energy?
- They get Bohr'd.

11. What did one titration tell the other?
- Let's meet at the endpoint.

12. Why are chemists great for solving problems?
- They have all the solutions.


13. Why do chemistry professors like to teach about ammonia?
- Because it's basic stuff.


14. What is a cation afraid of?
- A dogion.

15. Why did the ice cube get divorced?
- His wife said he was too ! cold.

16. Why did Carbon marry Hydrogen?
- They bonded well from the minute they met.

17. What kind of ghosts haunt chemistry faculties?
- Methylated spirits.

18. If H20 is water what is H204?
-Drinking, bathing, washing, swimming. . .

19. A group of organic molecules were having a party, when a group of robbers broke into the room and stole all of the guests joules. A tall,strong man, armed with a machine gun came into the room and killed the robbers one by one.The guests were very grateful to this man, and they
wanted to know who he was. He replied: My name is BOND, Covalent Bond.