At age 4 success is . not peeing in your pants.
At age 12 success is . having friends.
At age 16 success is . . having a drivers license.
At age 35 success is . having money.
At age 50 success is . . . having money.
At age 70 success is . . . having a drivers license.
At age 75 success is . having friends.
At age 80 success is . not peeing in your pants.
Wednesday, January 24, 2007
Tuesday, January 23, 2007
under the bed
Twas Halloween night as I leaped from my bed,
With thoughts of amusement going through my head.
Turned off my computer and thought as I may
Of vampires of old and vampires of today.
Of spooky old movies and Halloween parties,
Of course trick or treating
(hope they don't hand out Smarties).
And witches and ghosts and gravediggers, I fear,
So that old haunted house, I will never go near.
When you see spooky places, just take my advice,
And don't go in rooms filled with ghosts, bats, and mice.
So don't risk your life going looking for spooks,
Just go to a party with some good friendly kooks.
Or gather your family, carve a pumpkin and think
What to have your kids do, and go pick up a drink.
Tell a joke to your friends, but be careful, you'll see
That a couple wrong moves might mean eternity.
Now put on that costume and dress yourself up.
You can be Ninja Nun or that RCA Pup.
But be very careful or else you might see
That ghosts and vampires aren't really PC.
So now you can think, as you turn out that light
That there's no such thing and that you are all right.
Look under your bed, though, and then you might see...
Nothing! We aren't afraid of ghosts now, are we?
With thoughts of amusement going through my head.
Turned off my computer and thought as I may
Of vampires of old and vampires of today.
Of spooky old movies and Halloween parties,
Of course trick or treating
(hope they don't hand out Smarties).
And witches and ghosts and gravediggers, I fear,
So that old haunted house, I will never go near.
When you see spooky places, just take my advice,
And don't go in rooms filled with ghosts, bats, and mice.
So don't risk your life going looking for spooks,
Just go to a party with some good friendly kooks.
Or gather your family, carve a pumpkin and think
What to have your kids do, and go pick up a drink.
Tell a joke to your friends, but be careful, you'll see
That a couple wrong moves might mean eternity.
Now put on that costume and dress yourself up.
You can be Ninja Nun or that RCA Pup.
But be very careful or else you might see
That ghosts and vampires aren't really PC.
So now you can think, as you turn out that light
That there's no such thing and that you are all right.
Look under your bed, though, and then you might see...
Nothing! We aren't afraid of ghosts now, are we?
drunk n doc
A drunk goes to the doctor complaining of tiredness and headaches. 'I feel tired all the time, my head hurts, and I'm not sleeping. What is it, Doc?'
The doctor examines him thoroughly and says, 'I can't find anything wrong. It must be the drinking.'
'Fair enough,' replied the lush. 'I'll come back when you sober up.'
The doctor examines him thoroughly and says, 'I can't find anything wrong. It must be the drinking.'
'Fair enough,' replied the lush. 'I'll come back when you sober up.'
Always Remember
Always remember to forget the troubles that pass your way; BUT NEVER forget the blessings that come each day.
Have a wonderful day with many *smiles*
Have a wonderful day with many *smiles*
Monday, January 22, 2007
cabbies
A mother, accompanied by her small daughter, was in New York City. The mother was trying to hail a cab, when her daughter noticed several wildly dressed women who were loitering on a nearby street corner. The mother finally hailed her cab and they both climbed in, at which point the daughter asks her mother, 'Mummy, what are all those ladies waiting for by that corner?', to which the mother replies, 'Those ladies are waiting for their husbands to come home from work.'
The cabbie, upon hearing this exchange, turns to the mother and says, 'Ahhhhhhh, C'mon lady!!!! Tell your daughter the truth!!!! For crying out loud. They're hookers!'
A brief period of silence follows, and the daughter then asks, 'Mummy, do the ladies have any children?'
The mother replies, 'Of course dear. Where do you think cabbies come from?'
The cabbie, upon hearing this exchange, turns to the mother and says, 'Ahhhhhhh, C'mon lady!!!! Tell your daughter the truth!!!! For crying out loud. They're hookers!'
A brief period of silence follows, and the daughter then asks, 'Mummy, do the ladies have any children?'
The mother replies, 'Of course dear. Where do you think cabbies come from?'
A Cat New Year Resolution
My human will never let me eat their pet hamster, and I am at peace with that.
I will not slurp fish food from the surface of the aquarium
I will not eat large numbers of assorted bugs, then come home and
throw them up so the humans can see that I'm getting plenty of
roughage.
I will not lean way over to drink out of the tub, fall in, and then
pelt right for the box of clumping cat litter. (It took FOREVER to get
the stuff out of my fur.)
I will not use the bathtub to store live mice for late-night snacks.
We will not play "Herd of Thundering Wildebeests Stampeding Across the
Plains of the Serengeti" over any humans' bed while they're trying to
sleep.
I cannot leap through closed windows to catch birds outside. If I
forget this and bonk my head on the window and fall behind the couch
in my attempt, I will not get up and do the same thing again.
I will not assume the patio door is open when I race outside to chase leaves.
I will not stick my paw into any container to see if there is
something in it. If I do, I will not hiss and scratch when my human
has to shave me to get the rubber cement out of my fur.
If I bite the cactus, it will bite back.
When it rains, it will be raining on all sides of the house.
It is not necessary to check every door.
I will not play "dead cat on the stairs" while people are trying to
bring in groceries or laundry, or else one of these days, it will
really come true.
When the humans play darts, I will not leap into the air and attempt
to catch them.
I will not swat my human's head repeatedly when they are on the family
room floor trying to do sit ups.
When my human is typing at the computer, their forearms are
*not* a hammock.
Computer and TV screens do not exist to backlight my lovely tail.
I will not puff my entire body to twice its size for no reason after
my human has watched a horror movie.
I will not stand on the bathroom counter, stare down the hall, and
growl at NOTHING after my human has watched the X-Files.
I will not drag dirty socks onto the bed at night and then yell at the
top of my lungs so that my humans can admire my "kill."
I will not perch on my human's chest in the middle of the night and
stare until they wake up.
I will not walk on the key board when my human is writing important
adagfsg gdjag ;ln.
If I must claw my human I will l not do it in such a way that the
scars resemble a botched suicide attempt.
If I must give a present to my human guests, my toy mouse is much more
socially acceptable than a big live bug, even if it isn't as tasty.
I will not slurp fish food from the surface of the aquarium
I will not eat large numbers of assorted bugs, then come home and
throw them up so the humans can see that I'm getting plenty of
roughage.
I will not lean way over to drink out of the tub, fall in, and then
pelt right for the box of clumping cat litter. (It took FOREVER to get
the stuff out of my fur.)
I will not use the bathtub to store live mice for late-night snacks.
We will not play "Herd of Thundering Wildebeests Stampeding Across the
Plains of the Serengeti" over any humans' bed while they're trying to
sleep.
I cannot leap through closed windows to catch birds outside. If I
forget this and bonk my head on the window and fall behind the couch
in my attempt, I will not get up and do the same thing again.
I will not assume the patio door is open when I race outside to chase leaves.
I will not stick my paw into any container to see if there is
something in it. If I do, I will not hiss and scratch when my human
has to shave me to get the rubber cement out of my fur.
If I bite the cactus, it will bite back.
When it rains, it will be raining on all sides of the house.
It is not necessary to check every door.
I will not play "dead cat on the stairs" while people are trying to
bring in groceries or laundry, or else one of these days, it will
really come true.
When the humans play darts, I will not leap into the air and attempt
to catch them.
I will not swat my human's head repeatedly when they are on the family
room floor trying to do sit ups.
When my human is typing at the computer, their forearms are
*not* a hammock.
Computer and TV screens do not exist to backlight my lovely tail.
I will not puff my entire body to twice its size for no reason after
my human has watched a horror movie.
I will not stand on the bathroom counter, stare down the hall, and
growl at NOTHING after my human has watched the X-Files.
I will not drag dirty socks onto the bed at night and then yell at the
top of my lungs so that my humans can admire my "kill."
I will not perch on my human's chest in the middle of the night and
stare until they wake up.
I will not walk on the key board when my human is writing important
adagfsg gdjag ;ln.
If I must claw my human I will l not do it in such a way that the
scars resemble a botched suicide attempt.
If I must give a present to my human guests, my toy mouse is much more
socially acceptable than a big live bug, even if it isn't as tasty.
Thursday, January 18, 2007
Elephant Jokes
Statutory warning: I am not responsible for the damage done to your mental health, your social relationships, your image among peers or your job by reading this mail. Those with blood pressure, please avoid. But never mind read only once...
The effects are cumulative. :-) :-)
Q: How do you stop an elephant from charging?
A: Take away his credit card.
Q: Why is an elephant big, grey, and wrinkly?
A:Because, if it was small, white and smooth it would be an Aspirin.
Q: Why did the elephant fall out of the tree?
A: Because it fell asleep.
Q: Why did the second elephant fall out of the tree?
A: It was glued to the first one.
Q: Why did the third elephant fall out of the tree?
A: It was a copy cat.
Q: Why did the fourth elephant fall out of the tree?
A: It thought this was all a game.
Q: And why did the tree fall down?
A: It thought it was an elephant.
Q: What does an elephant and a blueberry have in common?
A: They're both blue, except for the elephant.
Q: What did Tarzan say when he saw 1,000 elephants coming over the hill?
A: Look, there's 1,000 elephants coming over the hill.
Q: How do you shoot a blue elephant?
A: With a blue elephant gun, of course.
Q: How do you shoot a red elephant?
A: No, not with a red elephant gun. You strangle him until he turns blue, then shoot him with a blue elephant gun.
Q: How do you shoot a green elephant?
A: Tell him a dirty joke so he turns red, strangle him until he turns blue, then shoot him with a blue elephant gun.
Q: How do you shoot a pink elephant?
! A: First you bake a cake, and put 3 raisins on top, then you take it out in the jungle where the pink elephant will find it, and you wait. Eventually the elephant comes along, finds the cake, eats the raisins and throws the cake away. Then you go home and bake another cake and put 2 raisins on top, take it out in the jungle where the elephant will find it. The elephant comes along, finds the cake, eats the 2 raisins and throws the cake away. You go home and bake another cake and put only one raisin on it. Then you trek back into the jungle and put the cake where the pink elephant will find it. The elephant comes along eats the raisin, and throws that cake away. Now you go home and bake another cake, but (here's the sneaky part) you don't put any raisins on it. You take it out into the jungle where the elephant will find it and lie in wait. The pink elephant comes along and finds the cake, he gets SO mad that there aren't any raisins on it, he turns red, then you jump on him, strangle him until he turns blue......and you shoot him with a BLUE ELEPHANT GUN!!!
Q: How do you shoot a yellow elephant?
A: Aw, come on, have you ever seen a yellow elephant !?!
Q: Why do elephants have red eyes?
A: So they can hide themselves better in cherry trees.
Q: Ever seen an elephant in a cherry tree?
A: No? See how well the trick with the red eyes works?
Q: What time is it when an elephant sits on your fence?
A: Time to get a new fence.
Q: Where does an 8 ton elephant sit?
A: Any damn place where he pleases!
Q: Why is an elephant covered in wrinkles?
A: Ever try to iron one?
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